Jeffrey, I started out hating you. You made Rebecca smile. You were nervous, but funny, brilliant even. You charmed her and she took you in like a stray puppy. I knew you would be trouble. I refused to fall into your trap. Suddenly, I had to hang out with her AND you. Always! You were stealing my best friend. Who cares how nice you were to me too? She was my best friend! She took me in as her first stray afterall. Why did she need you too? I laughed at your bad jokes, I mean mugged you when you looked, and stopped when you looked away, until I forgot I was supposed to hate you, and you caught me smiling. Why did you smile at me at that moment? Here is a scowl, trouble! I stopped hating you. Why did I even hate you anyways? Suddenly, I had to hang out with her and you. Why were we ever separate? I saw the way she looked at you. The way you looked at her. I wished either of you would look at me the same way you looked at each other. Was I ugly, I asked you both one day. You said that I was probably one of the prettiest girls you'd ever seen. I hoped you didn't catch how embarassed and red I was. But you were a fool. You always were. Rebecca, of course, told me she wished she was as pretty as me. She never realized she was the sunshine. You did. I did. She was the best of us. We both knew it. Was she prettier? Who knows? I never cared. That glow of hers made her divine. She was meant to be loved. You did. I did. Many did. She radiated! She never knew HOW I loved her. Neither did you. So, there that is. Sometimes I would wonder in our younger years what if? What if her and I? What if her and I and you? What if, right? Whatever the case I know both of us would have traded places with her. Let her live. Take us instead. Split some of our remaining years? It's different when your days are numbered, I guess. What's 28 years old, when half has been without our sunshine? Tangent! Fuck she really broke us didn't she? When she died I really thought I was done. When I realized that her dad did that to her I blamed myself just like you did. Jeff.... truth is he did it to me too. He raped me too. That is why Rebecca and I only stayed at my house. I always said my dad preferred it. I never told anyone. I was afraid. I swallowed it all and I hated. It is why I started out hating you. You were a boy. Isn't that a realization, years and years later? Why didn't I try to get him put in jail? Why didn't I save her? Why was I so useless and afraid? Why why why, right? That is what we have nightmares about. Why we spent years hating who we were. Why our torment endured for far too long. Regret that neither of us did the right thing. And then she was gone. Now here I am dying and I don't even know if I will give you this letter. I never told you. My only fucking secret. Well, okay maybe I have a few more. I probably won't have any left by the time I finish moving this pen. I am dying. Why hold anything back? Why did I ever? Don't mind the random wet spots. Those are my tears. The ones biting back regret. "Just live, never regret." Didn't I tell YOU that? I regret so much. So, at least now you know a bit why I felt guilty back then. I never told you or my dad what happened to me. My dad would have woken up that dark Marine side of his. I love the man he grew old into. I don't regret not telling him. I had the best dad in the world. When mom left us he didn't shy away. He raised me the best he could. He didn't always have all the words but he did always have the love. You know what is funny? He started out hating you too. Nobody was good enough for his princess. Haha. Princess. Oh man. At least I can make myself laugh. Might be this bottle of Jimmy McBeam. Tears? Laughter? I do both well. I didn't tell you either. I was afraid of what you would do. You were never a killer like my dad. But I think for me. For her. You were so close to being so. I couldn't lose the rest of what was good in you. So I held it close. I would rather suffer this alone. Maybe I should have just trusted you. You did always make me feel safe. Maybe you would have gone off the rails? The only times I have ever seen you get extremely violent was for those you loved. I didn't want to be the reason you lost control. Its why I am not sure I will give you this letter. Might rip it in half and give you the bottom half where the good stuff will be. I think. So many question marks above. You always said I was so sure of myself. Oh dear. Guess not. Back to the story of my fucking life, Jeffrey. Stop derailing me. This letter is actually a lot like your stories. Left field. I guess I just need some Jimmy to be like you! My dad is a good tie-in. You remember when he refused to ever really talk to you or acknowledge you? Remember when suddenly he offered you a beer? He told me why a few years ago. Before Rebecca killed herself, you were just another boy. Boys were bad for Princess. After she killed herself all that he ever saw of me was tears and misery. One day, he looked out the window when we were saying goodbye and he saw me smiling. So he started looking closer and listening when you came over. That beer was his internal peace offering. Still, good thing you didn't accept! Ha ha. He had decided you were good for me. That you were one of the only things or people that got me out of my head. What he didn't realize was the true depth of what you did for me. What we did for each other. You gave me life where I didn't think any could be anymore. My best friend. My confidant. My healer. My lover. My everything. My soul-mate. Fuck, this is where it gets hard. The bond we shared, nothing has ever come close. I got married, to an amazing man. I can't take away a single thing from him. He's not perfect, but he is good to the bone. He is more Rebecca in male form than anything. He has a bit of that light, right? Even you told me that you were happy that I found a good one before we got married. I think we eloped shortly after that. I had to. I would have second guessed myself. He wasn't you. I tried explaining things to him. About Rebecca. I have even told him, and just him, about being raped. While he sympathizes and empathizes properly, he just doesn't understand the dark places inside my soul. He shies from it. I avoid it. This pain and sorrow I feel I can't share it the same. I did try. Does this make him shitty? Unworthy? No. I am the problem, when it comes down to it. I love this man. But, with only parts of me. I can't shed that sorrow. I can't shed. You. She really broke us, didn't she? I always prided myself on my integrity. How honest I was. How I could tell you anything. How you could do the same. Gave you shit when I knew you were lying or holding back something. You have a tell. My Melissasense tingles. But I wasn't honest with me. I wasn't honest with you. I could always tell you that I love you. We said it often. It was a camoflage. Hiding in plain sight. Best friends. Sometimes lovers. Fuck you, though. You hurt me. Or at least when I was younger, that is what I told myself. Getting older, dying even, I realized I hurt my fucking self. Thanks for that Wisdom, McBeam. We were both so broken. No more sunshine. Both abused by adults sexually as kids. But we manifested our pain differently. I shut off my body, when I was unsafe. I lied to you. I said I had other lovers. I dated, sure. Can't keep a man unless you put out though. Oh well! Nobody ever made me feel safe, until I met Brandon and married him. Except for you. Always you. Meanwhile you are over there going through life fucking away your pain. How did that work for you? Don't mind me. Stupid me. It hurt. Every Arianna or Desiree, every Holly, every dumb slut I had to pick up the pieces behind. But, I couldn't get mad at you. I tried! Unlike you, I think I actually understood WHY you did it.. And I was not mad. I sympathized. Also maybe I should have had you pick up some of these psychology books? Go me. Hindsight! So being just as stubborn and foolish as you, I sat back and said nothing. Sure told you how stupid you were every chance I could. But I never told you how it was that I actually felt. The one wall between us being the one that kept us from ever fucking trying! Whose fault was that? Mine. I always thought if we tried, so young, we would split. Be one of those tragic tales. Or I would lose my best friend. I needed you. To live. To breathe. I realized getting older, so did you. We let fear of failure win. When we were a sure fucking thing. Don't get me wrong, I was so blessed to have the relationship we did have. You were always everything anyone could ever want from a best friend. My only regret is not realizing what some other people already do. You're supposed to marry your best friend. You're supposed to be bonded like we always have been. You're supposed to have the most incredible sex ever, like we always did. You're supposed to be able to laugh and cry and FEEL without restraint. We were meant for each other. And I let you slip away. I was so afraid. I guess when you're dying it is easier to be honest. Plus you know a letter I am not sure I will send. Some alcohol. Fuck you doc! This is probably my last drink. My last letter ever? Fuck. Jeff. I love you. With every fiber of my being. And I have for so long that I know nothing else. I let you slip away, because it was easier for me. So I thought. But it's the worst thing I ever did. I let you join the Army without me as your wife. I let you join at all. I let you go weeks or months without hearing from me. Because your voice made me ache. For your love. Your touch. Your smile. Our bond. I knew all I would have to do was hear you or see you, and it's like it never left. I know, because I saw it in you. I heard it in your voice. I knew you alway felt the same. I saw it in your eyes. Remember our 3 days camping? That was my dad's idea. I told him how I felt. I told him I was afraid to lose my best friend. He said, get rid of everything else. All distractions. Take my gear to the spot I used to take your mom. Just you and him. I will get you all you need. Make it happen, Mel. He fucking loves you by the way. You're his son he never had. He would say Why the fuck did he go Army and not Marines? Pretending to be upset. I would say because you're too smart to learn the Crayola flavors. But man! He's so proud of you. Even if he won't say it out loud. So there we are up there in the mountains, and I know you noticed the difference. How we touched. How we kissed. The sadness in my eyes you mentioned. It was because inside I was too afraid. Petrified. I wanted to claim you. Finally. Forever. But I didn't. I couldn't. I couldn't lose you. The risk was too great. And here I am. Married to someone else. Dying. Fucked. And I lost those years. I lost you there. That trip. I was so worried I'd fail like your other lovers. Despite our bond being as strong as ever. You always thought I was smarter. I probably am by the way. But I am just as stupid as you are. I know you love me. I know you were afraid of me. I know because you're my soul's mirror. You're my soul-mate. I know when I die. You will die another death inside. Becky. Jason. Me. I can't stop crying these last few days. Not for me. For you. My heart is breaking because I think you're going to be alone. That you might kill yourself, finally. That I am the last thread? Please, please.. fucking cruel world. I hope that isn't true. Maybe that is what this letter is for? Nah. It's for me. But. I hope you try. I hope you find someone and REALLY try, Jeff. Not the half-assed shit you do. Live! Let go of us. The try you would for me? Give it to someone good. Because that is the truth isn't it? The truth I never realized until a few years ago. I was your soul-mate too. You're just slower to realize it. Boys. Sheesh. The truth is we were always meant for each other. And I am so fucking sorry. I love you So. Fucking. Much. Fuck. I haven't even told you yet. They say I have weeks yet. Fuck them. Fuck. So much regret. I will sober up and call you, tomorrow. I probably won't ever send this. It will break you further. I have been racking my brain for how to keep you alive. How to tell you. You always said I am stronger? I don't know if I have the strength to tell you. Or share this. I don't even feel better having written this. I just needed to let out these feelings swallowing me whole. You're in fucking Iraq. Again. I need you here. And I can't. I can't fucking tell you. I can't ruin your life. You're succeeding! Keep pushing. I love you. Maybe this isn't the good stuff. But Thanks for being my everything. Every. Thing.
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